Did God Kill My Mother? Loving God Through The Pain Of Mortality

by | Faith

February 2016

I stood at the pulpit of my parent’s home ward, staring into a sea of people and seeing only a few faces. I had been dreading this day, I woke-up physically ill and know that only through the power of prayer and many angels I was able to make it through one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, bury my mother. I was the last speaker for my mom’s funeral service, something I actually took joy in. I had extensive public speaking experience, and I felt honored to be able to finish the service on a note that I hoped my mother would like. It also turned out to be a blessing, as it gave me time to harness my anxiety and nerves as the other participants shared memories and gave tribute to the amazing woman my mother is.

 

The time flew, and before I knew it I had risen from my seat and was standing before this group of people, willing for something my mother would enjoy to come out of my mouth. I remember thinking how somber the day was, as funerals usually go, and remembering that somber was not a word I normally would associate with my mother, ever. I had come prepared with one thing, a story, one that I hoped would make people laugh and lighten the mood. I clung to every chuckle, every smiling face as I told my story and relieved a tender memory of my mom. Before I knew it, the story was over and I was searching my soul for the words to say. I bore my testimony, I bore my thankfulness that I had a mother who understood what life was about, who loved and respected God, and who knew the greatest gift-undoubtably the greatest gift she could give her daughters was to make sure they knew who God was. Not just some mystical being that was a nice after-thought, but knew that who God was in every sense, and knew we were daughters of his and what he needed us to do for him in this life. I left the funeral that day peaceful, reminiscent, relieved, and eternally grateful for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the peace the teachings of God gave my family.

Two weeks later I attended church services at my student Young Single Adult ward. I sat in the congregation, aware of every person around me, but trying to pretend I was utterly alone. I was broken, hurt, confused, scared out of my mind, and feeling cut off.

I listened to the service, willing my mind to relax so my soul could receive the peace it so desperately screamed for.

I remembered how much peace I used to get from my faith, religion, and worshipping services. I longed for that peace, for the reassurance I wasn’t alone at all. I was frustrated with myself and with, although I hate to admit it, God. I knew it was wrong of me to feel this way, but I couldn’t help but entertain the thought that God had killed my mother. I had prayed for years that her cancer would be taken away, that she would be healed, that she would be allowed to continue her mission on this earth. Surely she had more here to do, even if that meant the one thing left was be a mother to my sister and I.

I felt guilty, and abandoned. I knew I shouldn’t be mad at God, but I just couldn’t help it. In a sense, I felt like he had killed my mother and questioned why we were being punished? Had we been too prideful? Had I not taken the church seriously enough in my adolescence? Had my mistakes, and the mistakes of others somehow contributed to this great sentencing? I didn’t know the answers, the only thing I knew was I no longer had a mother on this earth, and I felt so very cut-off from the presence of God.

For a while, I continued on this roller coaster of self-pity, anger, denial, guilt, self-hate, depression, anxiety, and pain. I attended therapy, even though I didn’t want to. I took vitamins and supplements to combat the battle I had within my head daily. I tried to excercise, but I just felt like I was pushing a big boulder up an impossible hill. Finally, I had exhausted myself. Sick of trying different healing strategies, sick of analyzing every possible detail, sick of pretending, of worrying, of hating myself for not being the person I used to be, I let go of control. I realized that I could control the healing process just as much as I could control the wind. I let myself admit that I was angry with God, angry that he hadn’t answered my pleas to him the way that I wanted him to.

When I realized that right now I was only human, subject to the emotions of fear, anxiety, anger, content, happiness, and joy, I let go of the reins. The way I saw it, my soul and heart knew what I needed and they would take care of it. I still went to therapy, I still took my vitamins, but I quit putting a timeline on it.

With time, I came to understand my anger against God, and to forgive myself as I knew he already had. I realized that maybe God really did know the bigger picture. I started to hear stories of people who had my mother’s presence around them. I started to see signs and feel her presence around me, however random that was. I realized that the only way I was going to heal was if I came back to God, came back realizing that I wasn’t perfect, and this life wasn’t perfect, but that it wasn’t meant to be with-out joy. I started reading the Book of Mormon, attending my meetings, and drawing myself closer to God.<

The more I drew closer to him, the more I realized that he hadn’t cut me off at all. In fact, he had been there, holding me as I swirled with pain and grief. He had put blessings, people, experiences, and opportunities in my life that helped me heal. He hadn’t shut me out, I had shut him out. I had exiled myself, afraid of the anger I had towards him and the guilt that came with it. I know now, that God loves me no matter what. He understands what my pain feels like, and he forgives me even before I make the mistake. He continued to care for me even though I ran anywhere but towards the light of the Gospel.

I began to understand that God was merciful, that although my mother’s cancer hadn’t ended like we hoped, it had ended as mercifully as it could. God had supported her and my family through the trial, and continued to support us today. I understood that family was so much more important than education (although this one is still pretty important), riches, pride, and placement in this world. I understood that our life had a greater meaning than what we wore that day, or our date on Friday night. I realized that this life was a preparation, one we had all been anxious for, a preparation for the day we meet God again.

I understand that there is something so much bigger than this life, so much bigger we can hardly comprehend it. I understand that the only way to true happiness and peace is through the humbling of oneself, the accepting of Christ as our Savior, and following him. I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. I know the Book of Mormon is true. I know that families are forever, and I will see my mom again someday. I know my mom is free from the pain of this earth, called home to complete a great work where she is desperately needed. I know that it’s okay she’s there, that I can share her for the furthering of the work and salvation of souls.

I still miss my mom daily. The pain has subsided and I’ve found my peace with it, but I will always miss her, and that’s okay. However, I know where she is, and I know that one day the rest of the questions will be explained and my understanding will be crystal clear. My therapist has been suggesting I write my feelings about this subject for….quite some time now, and I guess I feel as ready as I’ll ever be. I hope that my family’s experience can bring peace and comfort to those who need it, and bring others to the knowledge of God’s love.

-Lindsey

This I Believe

I could never ever in my life deny that God lives. He lives, he loves us, he knows us, and he is here to help us. It is my belief that when we left our Father in heaven to come to Earth and carry out his plan that he made us a few promises. Of those promises, I believe he promised a great life. He never promised a life with-out trials, but he promised us a great life indeed.
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When You’re Not Sure If God Is Really Watching…He Is

[et_pb_section admin_label="Section" fullwidth="on" specialty="off"][et_pb_fullwidth_post_title admin_label="Post_Title" global_module="142" saved_tabs="all" title="on" meta="on" author="on" date="off" categories="on" comments="off" featured_image="on" featured_placement="background" parallax_effect="on" parallax_method="on" text_orientation="center" text_color="light" text_background="on" text_bg_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)" module_bg_color="rgba(255,255,255,0)" title_font="Montserrat|||on|" title_font_size="30" title_text_color="#ffffff" title_all_caps="off" meta_font="Lora||||" meta_text_color="#d9d8c7" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid"] [/et_pb_fullwidth_post_title][/et_pb_section][et_pb_section admin_label="Section" fullwidth="off" specialty="off"][et_pb_row admin_label="Row"][et_pb_column type="1_4"][et_pb_number_counter admin_label="Number Counter" number="7" percent_sign="off" counter_color="#b54c60" background_layout="light" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid" number_font="Lora||||"] [/et_pb_number_counter][et_pb_divider admin_label="Divider" color="#575a5e" show_divider="on" height="3" divider_style="solid" divider_position="top" hide_on_mobile="on"] [/et_pb_divider][et_pb_text admin_label="Text" background_layout="light" text_orientation="center" header_font="Montserrat|||on|" header_font_size="42px" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid" text_font="Montserrat|||on|" text_font_size="30"] May 2017 [/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type="3_4"][et_pb_text admin_label="Text" background_layout="light" text_orientation="left" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid"] There are many things I enjoy about my employment: a regular paycheck, a purpose every day, an opportunity to use my skills, and most importantly a fantastic team and office culture. My team consists of two girls, and a bunch of hilarious guys. The majority of these guys are married, and so I often think of some of them as older brothers. They tell hilarious marriage stories, I remind them how grateful they should be for their wives, and they offer dating advice that sometimes is actually pretty dang sound. We have fun, we get our work done, and the world goes round. [/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][et_pb_row admin_label="Row"][et_pb_column type="4_4"][et_pb_text admin_label="Text" background_layout="light" text_orientation="left" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid"] Last week I did have one particular day that just felt off. I was feeling a bit out of place in my life. I’ve graduated, which makes interacting with people my age a bit interesting. Most are either married, still in school, or are in the sometimes uncomfortable in-between like I am.   *Disclaimer: This is not a post about how much I want to get married. I’m simply trying to highlight this unique demographic I find myself in. I have faith in God’s plan, I have much to be grateful for, and life is good. The end.*   For some reason I was particularly aware of the fact that I didn’t really feel like I fit in, in my own life. I had friends, but I didn’t feel like we were maybe as close as we could have been. I felt a lack in my social circle of common understanding, life phases, experience, etc. I was driving home, pondering these feelings of isolation that were swirling in my brain. I don’t particularly enjoy feeling isolated, it’s not on my list of things to enjoy in a day, and I was trying to figure out how to get rid of it. Country music softly played on the radio, and I tried to remind myself of all the blessings I enjoyed, and promise that I wasn't an outlier, an outcast, isolated. Here I was, driving along and all of the sudden my Bluetooth connected with an incoming phone call. I answered, a bit taken aback, to hear the comforting voice of a friend I hadn’t talked to in months.   This particular friend was one of the first friends I made when I moved to Orem, and his friendship has been more of a blessing than he will ever know. Our conversation was short, and consisted of him saying he’d simply been thinking about me, we hadn’t talked for a while, and wanting to get together soon. Unfortunately our crazy schedules never permitted us to get together, but we will soon I’m sure. The point is, while I would have loved to get together, that’s not what I needed at that time. I needed to be reminded I had friends, I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t an outlier, and things were going to be a-okay.   As I finished my drive I couldn’t help but smile at the fact that God is totally aware of us. Never forget that. He is aware of you even when you don’t think he is. He knows the pleadings of your heart, even when you don’t reach out to him in prayer (although you should, cause that definitely makes life that much better), and he is working daily for your greater good. He is consistently putting people and things in your path to help you along the way, I truly believe it.   So, remember God loves you. Remember he is waiting to help you with whatever you need. Ask him, ask him what you can do to help yourself, listen for the spirit, and go forward with faith. I’m so grateful my friend listened to a prompting exactly at the moment I needed him to. Don’t ignore promptings, lift others, lift yourselves, and life will work out just fine—promise. [/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][et_pb_row admin_label="Row" global_module="3581" make_fullwidth="on" use_custom_width="off" width_unit="on" use_custom_gutter="off" padding_mobile="off" allow_player_pause="off" parallax="off" parallax_method="off" make_equal="off" parallax_1="off" parallax_method_1="off" parallax_2="off" parallax_method_2="off" parallax_3="off" parallax_method_3="off" column_padding_mobile="on" custom_padding="25px|25px|25px|25px"][et_pb_column type="1_3"][et_pb_post_slider global_parent="3581" admin_label="Post Slider" posts_number="3" include_categories="7" orderby="rand" show_arrows="on" show_pagination="on" show_more_button="on" more_text="Read Me" content_source="off" use_manual_excerpt="on" show_meta="off" background_image="http://understandinglindsey.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Jan_Erik_Wader.jpg" background_layout="dark" show_image="on" image_placement="background" parallax="on" parallax_method="off" use_bg_overlay="off" bg_overlay_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)" use_text_overlay="on" remove_inner_shadow="off" background_position="default" background_size="default" auto="off" auto_ignore_hover="off" hide_content_on_mobile="off" hide_cta_on_mobile="off" show_image_video_mobile="off" meta_letter_spacing="0" custom_button="off" button_letter_spacing="0" button_use_icon="default" button_icon_placement="right" button_on_hover="on" button_letter_spacing_hover="0" body_font_size="20" text_overlay_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)"] [/et_pb_post_slider][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type="1_3"][et_pb_post_slider global_parent="3581" admin_label="Post Slider" posts_number="3" include_categories="8,6" orderby="rand" show_arrows="on" show_pagination="on" show_more_button="on" more_text="Read Me" content_source="off" use_manual_excerpt="on" show_meta="off" background_image="http://understandinglindsey.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Jan_Erik_Wader.jpg" background_layout="dark" show_image="on" image_placement="background" parallax="on" parallax_method="off" use_bg_overlay="off" bg_overlay_color="rgba(217,216,199,0.73)" use_text_overlay="on" remove_inner_shadow="off" background_position="default" background_size="default" auto="off" auto_ignore_hover="off" hide_content_on_mobile="off" hide_cta_on_mobile="off" show_image_video_mobile="off" meta_letter_spacing="0" custom_button="off" button_letter_spacing="0" button_use_icon="default" button_icon_placement="right" button_on_hover="on" button_letter_spacing_hover="0" body_font_size="20" text_overlay_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)"] [/et_pb_post_slider][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type="1_3"][et_pb_post_slider global_parent="3581" admin_label="Post Slider" posts_number="3" include_categories="9" orderby="rand" show_arrows="on" show_pagination="on" show_more_button="on" more_text="Read Me" content_source="off" use_manual_excerpt="on" show_meta="off" background_image="http://understandinglindsey.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Jan_Erik_Wader.jpg" background_layout="dark" show_image="on" image_placement="background" parallax="on" parallax_method="off" use_bg_overlay="off" bg_overlay_color="rgba(217,216,199,0.73)" use_text_overlay="on" remove_inner_shadow="off" background_position="default" background_size="default" auto="off" auto_ignore_hover="off" hide_content_on_mobile="off" hide_cta_on_mobile="off" show_image_video_mobile="off" meta_letter_spacing="0" custom_button="off" button_letter_spacing="0" button_use_icon="default" button_icon_placement="right" button_on_hover="on" button_letter_spacing_hover="0" body_font_size="20" text_overlay_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)"] [/et_pb_post_slider][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section][et_pb_section admin_label="section"][et_pb_row admin_label="row"][et_pb_column type="4_4"][et_pb_text admin_label="Text" background_layout="light" text_orientation="left" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid"] [/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section]
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Finding joy in the journey…through potholes, sink holes, and great crevasses

This is a post about relying on faith when job-hunting, and is hopefully relatable to recent college graduates.
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Gluten Free Cake Pops That Will Make You Wish You were actually gluten free

These cake pops will definitely be my go-to gluten free treat for future parties, events, and every day occasions... they were a hit!
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Gluten Free Cheesy Potato Soup

[et_pb_section admin_label="Section" fullwidth="on" specialty="off"][et_pb_fullwidth_post_title admin_label="Post_Title" global_module="142" saved_tabs="all" title="on" meta="on" author="off" date="off" categories="off" comments="off" featured_image="on" featured_placement="background" parallax_effect="on" parallax_method="on" text_orientation="center" text_color="light" text_background="on" text_bg_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)" module_bg_color="rgba(255,255,255,0)" title_font="Montserrat|||on|" title_font_size="30" title_text_color="#ffffff" title_all_caps="off" meta_font="Lora||||" meta_text_color="#d9d8c7" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid"] [/et_pb_fullwidth_post_title][/et_pb_section][et_pb_section admin_label="Section" fullwidth="off" specialty="off"][et_pb_row admin_label="Row"][et_pb_column type="1_4"][et_pb_number_counter admin_label="Number Counter" number="1" percent_sign="off" counter_color="#b54c60" background_layout="light" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid" number_font="Lora||||"] [/et_pb_number_counter][et_pb_divider admin_label="Divider" color="#575a5e" show_divider="on" height="3" divider_style="solid" divider_position="top" hide_on_mobile="on"] [/et_pb_divider][et_pb_text admin_label="Text" background_layout="light" text_orientation="center" header_font="Montserrat|||on|" header_font_size="42px" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid" text_font="Montserrat|||on|" text_font_size="30"] Nov 2017 [/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type="3_4"][et_pb_text admin_label="Text" background_layout="light" text_orientation="left" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid"] [/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][et_pb_row admin_label="Row"][et_pb_column type="3_4"][et_pb_image admin_label="Image" src="http://understandinglindsey.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/DSC_0019.jpg" show_in_lightbox="off" url_new_window="off" use_overlay="off" animation="left" sticky="off" align="left" force_fullwidth="off" always_center_on_mobile="on" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid"] [/et_pb_image][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type="1_4"][et_pb_text admin_label="Text" background_layout="light" text_orientation="left" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid" text_font="|||on|" text_font_size="30"] [/et_pb_text][et_pb_text admin_label="Text" background_layout="light" text_orientation="left" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid" text_font="||on||"] [/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][et_pb_row admin_label="Row"][et_pb_column type="4_4"][et_pb_text admin_label="Text" background_layout="light" text_orientation="left" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid"] Original Recipe Credit: Pat Jones Adapted November 2017 Prep: 15 minutes Cook Time: 45-60 minutes Serves: About 4 people What You Need: 2 red potatoes diced 4 tblspns butter/ghee 4 tblsp gluten free flour 8 cups of water 2 tablespoon gluten free chicken bouillon 2 celery stalks sliced 1 large carrot sliced 1 green onion sliced Sour cream (optional) 1 can of cheese sauce (I use Tostitos Salsa Con Queso which I’m 85% sure is completely gluten free) or you can use 2 cups of shredded cheese. Salt & Pepper (to taste)   In your 8 cups of water, mix chicken bouillon and bring to a boil. Boil the potatoes, green onion, carrot and celery until tender. In a separate sauce pan melt the butter and whisk the flower in until all the clumps are gone. Add the mixture into your boiling vegetables and stir thoroughly, make sure to scrape the bottom. Let it boil for a minute or two to allow it to thicken. Next stir in your jar of cheese sauce of 2 cups of cheese slowly. Make sure you continually scrape the bottom of the pot to make sure that it is being mixed well.   Finish it off with a dab of sour cream and enjoy! [/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][et_pb_row admin_label="Row" global_module="3581" make_fullwidth="on" use_custom_width="off" width_unit="on" use_custom_gutter="off" padding_mobile="off" allow_player_pause="off" parallax="off" parallax_method="off" make_equal="off" parallax_1="off" parallax_method_1="off" parallax_2="off" parallax_method_2="off" parallax_3="off" parallax_method_3="off" column_padding_mobile="on" custom_padding="25px|25px|25px|25px"][et_pb_column type="1_3"][et_pb_post_slider global_parent="3581" admin_label="Post Slider" posts_number="3" include_categories="7" orderby="rand" show_arrows="on" show_pagination="on" show_more_button="on" more_text="Read Me" content_source="off" use_manual_excerpt="on" show_meta="off" background_image="http://understandinglindsey.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Jan_Erik_Wader.jpg" background_layout="dark" show_image="on" image_placement="background" parallax="on" parallax_method="off" use_bg_overlay="off" bg_overlay_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)" use_text_overlay="on" remove_inner_shadow="off" background_position="default" background_size="default" auto="off" auto_ignore_hover="off" hide_content_on_mobile="off" hide_cta_on_mobile="off" show_image_video_mobile="off" meta_letter_spacing="0" custom_button="off" button_letter_spacing="0" button_use_icon="default" button_icon_placement="right" button_on_hover="on" button_letter_spacing_hover="0" body_font_size="20" text_overlay_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)"] [/et_pb_post_slider][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type="1_3"][et_pb_post_slider global_parent="3581" admin_label="Post Slider" posts_number="3" include_categories="8,6" orderby="rand" show_arrows="on" show_pagination="on" show_more_button="on" more_text="Read Me" content_source="off" use_manual_excerpt="on" show_meta="off" background_image="http://understandinglindsey.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Jan_Erik_Wader.jpg" background_layout="dark" show_image="on" image_placement="background" parallax="on" parallax_method="off" use_bg_overlay="off" bg_overlay_color="rgba(217,216,199,0.73)" use_text_overlay="on" remove_inner_shadow="off" background_position="default" background_size="default" auto="off" auto_ignore_hover="off" hide_content_on_mobile="off" hide_cta_on_mobile="off" show_image_video_mobile="off" meta_letter_spacing="0" custom_button="off" button_letter_spacing="0" button_use_icon="default" button_icon_placement="right" button_on_hover="on" button_letter_spacing_hover="0" body_font_size="20" text_overlay_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)"] [/et_pb_post_slider][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type="1_3"][et_pb_post_slider global_parent="3581" admin_label="Post Slider" posts_number="3" include_categories="9" orderby="rand" show_arrows="on" show_pagination="on" show_more_button="on" more_text="Read Me" content_source="off" use_manual_excerpt="on" show_meta="off" background_image="http://understandinglindsey.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Jan_Erik_Wader.jpg" background_layout="dark" show_image="on" image_placement="background" parallax="on" parallax_method="off" use_bg_overlay="off" bg_overlay_color="rgba(217,216,199,0.73)" use_text_overlay="on" remove_inner_shadow="off" background_position="default" background_size="default" auto="off" auto_ignore_hover="off" hide_content_on_mobile="off" hide_cta_on_mobile="off" show_image_video_mobile="off" meta_letter_spacing="0" custom_button="off" button_letter_spacing="0" button_use_icon="default" button_icon_placement="right" button_on_hover="on" button_letter_spacing_hover="0" body_font_size="20" text_overlay_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)"] [/et_pb_post_slider][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section][et_pb_section admin_label="section"][et_pb_row admin_label="row"][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section]
Read Me

Gluten Free Poppy Seed Chicken

[et_pb_section admin_label="Section" fullwidth="on" specialty="off"][et_pb_fullwidth_post_title admin_label="Post_Title" global_module="142" saved_tabs="all" title="on" meta="on" author="off" date="off" categories="off" comments="off" featured_image="on" featured_placement="background" parallax_effect="on" parallax_method="on" text_orientation="center" text_color="light" text_background="on" text_bg_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)" module_bg_color="rgba(255,255,255,0)" title_font="Montserrat|||on|" title_font_size="30" title_text_color="#ffffff" title_all_caps="off" meta_font="Lora||||" meta_text_color="#d9d8c7" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid"] [/et_pb_fullwidth_post_title][/et_pb_section][et_pb_section admin_label="Section" fullwidth="off" specialty="off"][et_pb_row admin_label="Row"][et_pb_column type="1_4"][et_pb_number_counter admin_label="Number Counter" number="26" percent_sign="off" counter_color="#b54c60" background_layout="light" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid" number_font="Lora||||"] [/et_pb_number_counter][et_pb_divider admin_label="Divider" color="#575a5e" show_divider="on" height="3" divider_style="solid" divider_position="top" hide_on_mobile="on"] [/et_pb_divider][et_pb_text admin_label="Text" background_layout="light" text_orientation="center" header_font="Montserrat|||on|" header_font_size="42px" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid" text_font="Montserrat|||on|" text_font_size="30"] May 2017 [/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type="3_4"][et_pb_text admin_label="Text" background_layout="light" text_orientation="left" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid"] Prep/Cook Time: 1 hour Serve about 2 people What You Need:
  • 2 Chicken Breasts (cooked and pulled)
  • 1 Cup Of Cooked Rice
  • 2 cups of milk/water in a small sauce pan
  • ½ cup of Shirley J Cream Soup & Sauce Mix (or a half a cup of any cream based sauce mix you prefer to make)
  • ½ tblspn of poppyseeds
  • ¼ cup of grated cheese
  • Pinch of onion powder
  • Gluten free bread crumbs
  • 1 tspn of gluten free chicken granule
  *I cooked my chicken in a crock pot previously and shredded it. If you’re short on time you could use cubed or canned chicken.*  
  1. Combine your cream based sauce, chicken granule, poppy seeds, and onion powder in a small sauce pan and bring it to a low boil.
 
  1. Serve over cooked rice and sprinkle cheese and bread crumbs above before eating.
[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][et_pb_row admin_label="Row"][et_pb_column type="3_4"][et_pb_image admin_label="Image" src="http://understandinglindsey.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/DSC_0021.jpg" show_in_lightbox="off" url_new_window="off" use_overlay="off" animation="left" sticky="off" align="left" force_fullwidth="off" always_center_on_mobile="on" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid"] [/et_pb_image][et_pb_image admin_label="Image" src="http://understandinglindsey.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/DSC_0019.jpg" show_in_lightbox="off" url_new_window="off" use_overlay="off" animation="left" sticky="off" align="left" force_fullwidth="off" always_center_on_mobile="on" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid"] [/et_pb_image][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type="1_4"][et_pb_text admin_label="Text" background_layout="light" text_orientation="left" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid" text_font="|||on|" text_font_size="30"] [/et_pb_text][et_pb_text admin_label="Text" background_layout="light" text_orientation="left" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid" text_font="||on||"] [/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][et_pb_row admin_label="Row"][et_pb_column type="4_4"][et_pb_text admin_label="Text" background_layout="light" text_orientation="left" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid"] [/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][et_pb_row admin_label="Row" global_module="3581" make_fullwidth="on" use_custom_width="off" width_unit="on" use_custom_gutter="off" padding_mobile="off" allow_player_pause="off" parallax="off" parallax_method="off" make_equal="off" parallax_1="off" parallax_method_1="off" parallax_2="off" parallax_method_2="off" parallax_3="off" parallax_method_3="off" column_padding_mobile="on" custom_padding="25px|25px|25px|25px"][et_pb_column type="1_3"][et_pb_post_slider global_parent="3581" admin_label="Post Slider" posts_number="3" include_categories="7" orderby="rand" show_arrows="on" show_pagination="on" show_more_button="on" more_text="Read Me" content_source="off" use_manual_excerpt="on" show_meta="off" background_image="http://understandinglindsey.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Jan_Erik_Wader.jpg" background_layout="dark" show_image="on" image_placement="background" parallax="on" parallax_method="off" use_bg_overlay="off" bg_overlay_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)" use_text_overlay="on" remove_inner_shadow="off" background_position="default" background_size="default" auto="off" auto_ignore_hover="off" hide_content_on_mobile="off" hide_cta_on_mobile="off" show_image_video_mobile="off" meta_letter_spacing="0" custom_button="off" button_letter_spacing="0" button_use_icon="default" button_icon_placement="right" button_on_hover="on" button_letter_spacing_hover="0" body_font_size="20" text_overlay_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)"] [/et_pb_post_slider][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column 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text_overlay_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)"] [/et_pb_post_slider][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type="1_3"][et_pb_post_slider global_parent="3581" admin_label="Post Slider" posts_number="3" include_categories="9" orderby="rand" show_arrows="on" show_pagination="on" show_more_button="on" more_text="Read Me" content_source="off" use_manual_excerpt="on" show_meta="off" background_image="http://understandinglindsey.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Jan_Erik_Wader.jpg" background_layout="dark" show_image="on" image_placement="background" parallax="on" parallax_method="off" use_bg_overlay="off" bg_overlay_color="rgba(217,216,199,0.73)" use_text_overlay="on" remove_inner_shadow="off" background_position="default" background_size="default" auto="off" auto_ignore_hover="off" hide_content_on_mobile="off" hide_cta_on_mobile="off" show_image_video_mobile="off" meta_letter_spacing="0" custom_button="off" button_letter_spacing="0" button_use_icon="default" button_icon_placement="right" button_on_hover="on" button_letter_spacing_hover="0" body_font_size="20" text_overlay_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)"] [/et_pb_post_slider][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section][et_pb_section admin_label="section"][et_pb_row admin_label="row"][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section]
Read Me

A college girl’s guide to navigating the “C” word.

Just a few things to remember when dealing with cancer of a loved one or friend - my "do's" and "don't" list I learned with my mom.
Read Me

Life’s too short to just wear neutral colors

We all fall into the 'neutrals' trap. Admit it, you do. It's okay, in fact it's kind of just a part of human nature. We get established, we get comfortable, and we don't want anything to change.
Read Me

Don’t Forget To Love Yourself First

[et_pb_section admin_label="Section" fullwidth="on" specialty="off"][et_pb_fullwidth_post_title admin_label="Post_Title" global_module="142" saved_tabs="all" title="on" meta="on" author="off" date="off" categories="off" comments="off" featured_image="on" featured_placement="background" parallax_effect="on" parallax_method="on" text_orientation="center" text_color="light" text_background="on" text_bg_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)" module_bg_color="rgba(255,255,255,0)" title_font="Montserrat|||on|" title_font_size="30" title_text_color="#ffffff" title_all_caps="off" meta_font="Lora||||" meta_text_color="#d9d8c7" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid"] [/et_pb_fullwidth_post_title][/et_pb_section][et_pb_section admin_label="Section" fullwidth="off" specialty="off"][et_pb_row admin_label="Row"][et_pb_column type="1_4"][et_pb_number_counter admin_label="Number Counter" number="6" percent_sign="off" counter_color="#b54c60" background_layout="light" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid" number_font="Lora||||"] [/et_pb_number_counter][et_pb_divider admin_label="Divider" color="#575a5e" show_divider="on" height="3" divider_style="solid" divider_position="top" hide_on_mobile="on"] [/et_pb_divider][et_pb_text admin_label="Text" background_layout="light" text_orientation="center" header_font="Montserrat|||on|" header_font_size="42px" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid" text_font="Montserrat|||on|" text_font_size="30"] January 2017 [/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type="3_4"][et_pb_text admin_label="Text" background_layout="light" text_orientation="left" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid"] I’m going to start this by explaining I don’t really do resolutions, I do goals. It’s quirky, and has a mile-long explanation (as most things in my world do) that I’ll spare you from for now. So, let’s talk about 2016. 2016 was my year of self-respect. It’s the year I learned to say goodbye to people that weren’t building me up, I learned to say goodbye to parts of me that weren’t serving my greater good, and I learned to say goodbye to situations and relationship that were heavy, debilitating, and dragging me down to a place I didn’t necessarily want to go.   I started 2016 a little rocky. I was heart-broken in more ways than one, lost, confused, terrified, and searching to find a new normal in my “let’s just throw it in the blender and hit puree” world. I made a decision in late December that I wanted 2016 to be the year that I loved myself first. The year I had so much self-respect that anything not serving me, my purpose, or my greater good or the good of God would not be able to stand to be in my presence because I had such a flaming self-respect and love for the person I was and would be becoming in my future. Yeah, it was quite the hefty goal and came complete with Rachel Platten’s Fight Song as its own personal theme song. Moving on. [/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][et_pb_row admin_label="Row"][et_pb_column type="3_4"][et_pb_image admin_label="Image" src="http://understandinglindsey.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/14102920_10154521704864706_8767812351742770682_o.jpg" show_in_lightbox="off" url_new_window="off" use_overlay="off" animation="left" sticky="off" align="left" force_fullwidth="off" always_center_on_mobile="on" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid"] [/et_pb_image][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type="1_4"][et_pb_text admin_label="Text" background_layout="light" text_orientation="left" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid" text_font="|||on|" text_font_size="30"] [/et_pb_text][et_pb_text admin_label="Text" background_layout="light" text_orientation="left" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid" text_font="||on||"] [/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][et_pb_row admin_label="Row"][et_pb_column type="4_4"][et_pb_text admin_label="Text" background_layout="light" text_orientation="left" use_border_color="off" border_color="#ffffff" border_style="solid"] Was it easy? No. Did I nail it at first? Definitely not. Am I an expert at it now? Most certainly not. I would love to tell you that at that moment I had some alternate universe life transformation where all the energy of the universe combined to protect me and suddenly I had a self-respect of such a level that man had no way to measure it. Sounds pretty good right? But it’s not the truth.   The truth is I had to work at it, every.single.day. I saved hundreds of quotes on my phone, computer, and any scrap piece of paper that would remind me of the worth that I brought to this earth with me. Did you catch that? Brought to this earth with me. Remember, we all brought an immeasurable amount of worth with us to earth simply by being the children of God that we are. Worth is not something you gain on this earth and it’s certainly not something you earn.   I spent a lot of time on my knees, in the temple, and in a church pew pleading with my father in heaven to remind me. Remind me of the worth I felt before I came here, before Satan’s lies were in my head, before I made mistakes, and before worldly trials convinced me otherwise. I made a considerable effort to be nicer to myself and to others. I quit putting so much emphasis on the negative parts of myself I didn’t like, and instead tried to focus on the positive. I kept a gratitude journal. I surrounded myself with positive uplifting people that knew their worth and mine and showed it through their actions and their words. That’s important. Actions always speak louder than words, and people always show you what they think of you with how they treat you.   Never ever ever ever feel bad for letting people go who don’t know your value and respect you for it. Value, self-worth, worth of others, and respect isn’t something that you can teach someone. Those are things that they will have to spend time figuring out for themselves, and they can do that. That’s the beautiful thing about life, we are all here to learn and grow.   So, like I said I worked really hard at this goal and I didn’t really realize how far I had come until I had an experience that shocked me. I had someone tell me once that “you don’t find girls like you every day. You just don’t. You’re nice, you’re intelligent, you’re smart, you’re funny, you’re self-sufficient, you’re pretty, you have a great personality, and you have a great smile. That’s just really hard to come by, and you….you just don’t find girls like you.” And you know what? I didn’t argue. In fact, if I remember right I either said out loud or something along the lines in my head “you’re right. You don’t find girls like me every day.” Now before you roll your eyes and judge me, know I meant that in the most humble way possible.   This past year I’ve really come to know my worth through my Heavenly Father’s eyes, and through my own and it’s really shown. It is so important that you learn to love yourself first, whether you’re single, dating, married, divorced, widowed….whatever, learn to love yourself first. This applies to relationships, from romantic to family, to friends and work. I truly believe that people treat us how we allow them to treat us. Now a little disclaimer, awful things happen to great people that can’t be explained and is in no way that person’s fault. That is not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is we can demand a certain level of respect to ourselves and to others, and people who don’t have that will naturally gravitate away from us. The beautiful part of that is that people who do have that same level of self-respect, love, and compassion will naturally gravitate towards us. That’s just how it works!   This goal is something that I’ve worked on for a year, and I’m certainly nowhere near perfect with it. However I’m a lot better than I used to be and it’s something I’ll continue to work on the rest of my life. Always remember how much you are loved by your father in heaven, by your family on earth and on the other side, and by your true friends. Remember you brought your worth with you to this earth, it is never something you gain here and definitely NOT something you earn. Love yourself enough to demand the respect you deserve and put up with nothing less. Love yourself enough to treat others with the level of respect you would want, and help build them up in a world that is so easy to tear them down. Your worth is something that can’t be measured in this world because it isn’t of this world. It’s eternal, it’s divine, it’s the upmost expression of love and respect, and it’s entirely yours. Never forget that. [/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][et_pb_row admin_label="Row" global_module="3581" make_fullwidth="on" use_custom_width="off" width_unit="on" use_custom_gutter="off" padding_mobile="off" allow_player_pause="off" parallax="off" parallax_method="off" make_equal="off" parallax_1="off" parallax_method_1="off" parallax_2="off" parallax_method_2="off" parallax_3="off" parallax_method_3="off" column_padding_mobile="on" custom_padding="25px|25px|25px|25px"][et_pb_column type="1_3"][et_pb_post_slider global_parent="3581" admin_label="Post Slider" posts_number="3" include_categories="7" orderby="rand" show_arrows="on" show_pagination="on" show_more_button="on" more_text="Read Me" content_source="off" use_manual_excerpt="on" show_meta="off" background_image="http://understandinglindsey.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Jan_Erik_Wader.jpg" background_layout="dark" show_image="on" image_placement="background" parallax="on" parallax_method="off" use_bg_overlay="off" bg_overlay_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)" use_text_overlay="on" remove_inner_shadow="off" background_position="default" background_size="default" auto="off" auto_ignore_hover="off" hide_content_on_mobile="off" hide_cta_on_mobile="off" show_image_video_mobile="off" meta_letter_spacing="0" custom_button="off" button_letter_spacing="0" button_use_icon="default" button_icon_placement="right" button_on_hover="on" button_letter_spacing_hover="0" body_font_size="20" text_overlay_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)"] [/et_pb_post_slider][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type="1_3"][et_pb_post_slider global_parent="3581" admin_label="Post Slider" posts_number="3" include_categories="8,6" orderby="rand" show_arrows="on" show_pagination="on" show_more_button="on" more_text="Read Me" content_source="off" use_manual_excerpt="on" show_meta="off" background_image="http://understandinglindsey.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Jan_Erik_Wader.jpg" background_layout="dark" show_image="on" image_placement="background" parallax="on" parallax_method="off" use_bg_overlay="off" bg_overlay_color="rgba(217,216,199,0.73)" use_text_overlay="on" remove_inner_shadow="off" background_position="default" background_size="default" auto="off" auto_ignore_hover="off" hide_content_on_mobile="off" hide_cta_on_mobile="off" show_image_video_mobile="off" meta_letter_spacing="0" custom_button="off" button_letter_spacing="0" button_use_icon="default" button_icon_placement="right" button_on_hover="on" button_letter_spacing_hover="0" body_font_size="20" text_overlay_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)"] [/et_pb_post_slider][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type="1_3"][et_pb_post_slider global_parent="3581" admin_label="Post Slider" posts_number="3" include_categories="9" orderby="rand" show_arrows="on" show_pagination="on" show_more_button="on" more_text="Read Me" content_source="off" use_manual_excerpt="on" show_meta="off" background_image="http://understandinglindsey.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Jan_Erik_Wader.jpg" background_layout="dark" show_image="on" image_placement="background" parallax="on" parallax_method="off" use_bg_overlay="off" bg_overlay_color="rgba(217,216,199,0.73)" use_text_overlay="on" remove_inner_shadow="off" background_position="default" background_size="default" auto="off" auto_ignore_hover="off" hide_content_on_mobile="off" hide_cta_on_mobile="off" show_image_video_mobile="off" meta_letter_spacing="0" custom_button="off" button_letter_spacing="0" button_use_icon="default" button_icon_placement="right" button_on_hover="on" button_letter_spacing_hover="0" body_font_size="20" text_overlay_color="rgba(87,90,94,0.59)"] [/et_pb_post_slider][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section][et_pb_section admin_label="section"][et_pb_row admin_label="row"][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section]
Read Me